the abomination that is the Chizza

I understand the desire for KFC to get into the type of gimmicks that have always worked so well for Taco Bell, but KFC has to be the least loved of the Yum Foods chains. Their chicken isn't better than what you can get at pizza hut, but of course, their original recipe is its own thing that you can't get anywhere else. Sometimes it's the only thing that will do. Plus, they have decent biscuits and mashed potatoes.

Back to the Chizza. It is a chicken patty (or collection of flat chicken chunks) topped with a zesty marinara, cheese, and pepperoni. It will entice pizza lovers to try once, maybe just to get people in the door only to remind them of how sad KFC is. Their dining room Might get cleaned once a day. None of their employees seem like they've been there longer than a week, and how can they afford to stay there? Want to work for Yum Foods? Expect to be homeless, in a state where it's practically illegal to be.

So maybe the Chizza will get people in the door, but it won't get people coming back, no way. Is it cheaper than Pizza? No. Is it better than pizza? No. Does it simulate the experience of pizza for those on a low carb diet? No. Is it faster than pizza? No. If you must try the Chizza, I'd recommend hitting the drivethru as I intended, but there was no sound coming from the box when I rolled up to it. Will I go back to KFC? Yes, but only ten minutes before close when they're selling ten pieces for ten bucks. They'll need to bring back the buffet before I willingly step inside again.

Quality Lives Here

Since my blood is mostly dutch, and my last name is Verkruyse, I'm inclined to try anything that claims itself as Dutch. What do potato chips, spiciness, cheddar, and sour cream have to do with that? I have no idea, but it's been a while since I've reviewed a new chip flavor.

Until this morning in Wall, South Dakota, I'd never seen a cheddar sour cream chip that came in a standard wave instead of a ruffle or plain cut. While I love cheddar and sour cream ruffles, especially on a hot dog, I'd say these take a small step forward. They aren't remarkably spicy, but enhance the satisfaction of an old formula.

If you're willing to spend $2.19 (inflation, right?), I would certainly recommend this chip. However, I wouldn't expect a paradigm shifting experience. Old Dutch Spicy Cheddar and Sour Cream Flavored Potato Chips are exactly what you'd expect. I'll be sure to let you know if I'm blown away by their tortilla chips.

Dangerously Cheesey to 0% Cheesey

How could I resist this new flavor, even at $4 a bag. I think the cost made it sting especially hard upon trying this new form of "Cheeto." You may have correctly interpreted this post's title. There is no cheese in these Cheeto's. What they did was take the flavoring from the Lay's Chicken and Waffle chip and made it spicy. So I paid $4 for Frito Lay's leftovers, and I can't believe it. But will I try their next weird thing? Definitely. But how does Chester feel about it? Depressed enough to move to Nashville and start a boring career as a country singer? He might as well retire after this disgrace.

Lil Baby's "All In" Chips

I've always been a fan of Rap Snacks, even if I don't know who most of the new rappers are. It's not that I don't like rap music. I don't follow it. Maybe I'll check out Lil Baby, now that he's got his own commercially branded chip. What a career dream!

So how are his chips? They're kind of like the Lays Carolina Barbeque, pretty good. If I was in my early 20s and these were sold at the corner store, I'd have eaten a lot of them. But I'm a grown-up, and these chips aren't for sale in my neighborhood. They were worth a try, but I don't know if I'll ever get them again, favoring a new experience, despite how delicious these were. So if you're a chip fan and see these around, I certainly encourage you to give them a try. As far as chips go, I think they're worth your $1.49.

Chuck E. Cheese Cheese Frozen Pizza

I for one, don't like to think of mice in proximity to my food. The current version of Chuck also looks more like a super ugly Koala than a mouse (a normally cute animal). Why? Why didn't they call him Chucky instead of Chuck E.? He's not a very sophisticated guy, after all. The E stands for Entertainment. What a stupid name.

Aside from that, I've always been a fan of Chuck E. Cheese's pizza, got excited upon seeing this new option in the freezer section at Kroger. $6 is pretty steep for a frozen pizza, especially when I could instead get a Home Run Inn. Still, I was curious and felt up the box. The pizza within felt pretty small, so I passed.

But I couldn't get it out of my head. And as you see, the pizza is an adequate size for its box. I didn't take a photo of the bottom because I didn't want to lose any cheese, but the crust itself is partially cooked and lightly coated in cornmeal/cereal. And the final product was really good for a frozen pizza. The crust was chewy and flexible, great stuff. It really made me want to go back to the restaurant and compare.

two consecutive Z's

If it's edible and its name contains two consecutive Z's, then you bet I'm going to eat it. I feel like I've seen Gardetto's Pizzeria Naturally Flavored Snack Mix before, but I could be wrong. So how is this snack? It's all right. Maybe not better than regular Gardetto's. While I love the flavors of powdered tomato and powdered romano cheese, the Original Gardetto's dishes up more of that satisfying, garlicky zing. There are also no rye chips in this new blend, and even more pretzels than before. If I wanted a bag of pretzels, wouldn't I just buy a bag of pretzels? Gardetto's got me with the double Z's, but I don't think I'll be purchasing their pizzeria flavor again.

Not a Cereal Bar

Post Fruity Pebbles' Candy Bar immediately gripped me, in concept. Made with my favorite cereal, I had to try it, especially after the weirdness of the Fruity Pebbles' Coffee Creamer. I wanted something more appropriate from Fred and his delicious breakfast.

So this cereal candy bar is a lot like Hershey's Cookies and Cream, but with less cereal than the big guy's bar has cookie pieces. So what we get is a big slab of white coating with an unsatisfying scatter of cereal pieces. And somehow the whole thing makes me extremely thirsty, and like many forementioned junk foods, it made my mouth burn a little. Maybe the food to sugar to chemical ratio is off.

a snack that burns

There's something to be said for a snack that burns your mouth, but isn't spicy. Not to be mistaken for Snyder of Berlin, Snyder of Hanover's Seasoned Pretzel Twists give you a familiar taste of butter concentrate with a myriad of savory flavors. I detect the onion and garlic powders, but there's not enough garlic to really set the whole thing off. Still, they're a tasty snack. But why the burn? Is there just so much MSG and sodium in this snack that it leaves one feeling harmed? Can it be the onion powder? It looks like we have a cozy mystery on our hands.

introducing the party stick

Hello. Your favorite friday night coorporate restaurant has an abundance of potato flour. In addition to their pub bites, they're also "offering" us these cool zesty fries. They're not like hot fries. They're like those weird shoestring potatoes that come in a can, only they taste better. That being said, they're not especially good. The Zesty House Fries were a bit too salty for my taste. Aside from that I had no complaints. Sometimes all you need is a dash of garlic powder and a pinch of onion powder to zest up your weird potato sticks. I hope TGIF eventually gives us new flavors of their Party Sticks, but I'm not holding my breath.

a snack for my great grandchildren

 

This whole time, all I've ever wanted was to find a snack to love, and to pass that love down to the end of my bloodline. From this Christmas to the final Christmas, may we cherish the barely descript flavor of these air-filled nets of fried potato flour, and reminisce on all the great times we had at TGIF's. Pub Bites are going to be bigger than Santa Claus.

Wait. I don't know if I've ever been to a TGIFriday's before. When I was a kid, we used to buy bags of their weird potato skin-flavored chips. They were far better than these stupid things. And the people over at Friday's probably expect I want my $2.40 back, and they're probably laughing about it right now. Bastards.

A Food Worth Eating

As of now, I’m enjoying a free (courtesy of Mitch “The Boss” Duncan) sample of the Ritz Four Cheese and Herb Cheese Crispers. To Mitch, I once declared that I was going to stop rolling the dice on food. More often than not, the meals before me were disappointing in especial proportion to how much they cost. Aside from Cheez-its, guaranteed to be good, other food was just too much of a gamble. Existence is punishing enough without the false hope of anything (other than Cheez-its) being good.

The thing about Cheez-its is that you end up eating them too fast. Mushy masses of chewed Cheez-it end up accumulating in every crevice of your mouth. It’s hard to eat them slowly because they are so good. With Ritz Cheese Crispers, you don’t have that problem.

I like that they are more cheesy and less salty than most crackers, chips, or cracker chips. The floral hints of oregano are heavenly. So far I like Ritz Four Cheese and Herb Cheese Crispers a good deal more than any flavor of Cheez-its. Let’s see how I feel after consuming a box at full speed.

Child of Munch 'ems

I don't know if you all have ever had Munch'ems. If not, this article isn't for you. Anyway, there's a new cracker in town, helping to fill the void in our souls left by the absent Munch 'ems. Like Munch 'ems these newbs also come in ranch and cheese flavors.  The Gardetto's cracker comes so close, it might as well be holding a cigar.  Its flavor has more of that dehydrated worchestershire and less of that vegetable-thins vibe. Once in 1999, I stayed a few nights at my grandma's. Before the visit she asked me what I liked to eat. I said Munch 'ems and she got me these.

Classic Grandma. I didn't complain. However, on a saturday night in 2001 I ate an entire box of Munch 'ems in one sitting. The next morning I ended up (for the first time) sitting next to the only cute girl at our church. I don't remember who she was so don't ask. I kept farting and my farts smelled like Munch 'ems. I burped and my burps tasted like Munch 'ems. I sniffed the air and it smelled like Munch 'ems. And I didn't learn my lesson.  I'm waiting for the new Gardetto's cracker to take off.  Then I can find a giant, Sam's club-sized bag and eat the entire thing while watching D3.