Simple Simon's Pizza of Hudson, TX

I don't always say it, but I think if you're going to compete with the big chains, then you should give them some competition. The ratios for Simple Simon's Pizza is 3cr2ce2ch. They also have a thin crust and a stuffed crust.

I wanted to dine in and partake in some endless diet coke, but it seemed like their dine in days were in the past. All the tables were covered in stacks of boxes. If they weren't doing dine in, then I figured they weren't doing endless sodas, one of life's great treats.


Simple Simon's crust gets a 4 out of 5. It's not super flavorful, but it was good, Chewy but never dry. The inside of the pie was delightfully moist.

Their sauce also gets a 4 out of 5. It was adequately thick. A little more oregano might have been nice, but you can't expect every sauce to check all the boxes. A wise man once told me that variety's the spice of life.

For overall quality, Simple Simon's gets a 5 out of 5. It was good, greasy pizza, reminding me of Little Caesar's, but made with care. For style, they get a 2 out of 5. There's nothing remarkable about Simple Simon's. In fact, it was kind of bland. But that's fine. It was a good pizza for a good price. Simple Simon's Pizza gets a 75%, and I would definitely get it again.

Paint's Underground Pizza of Victoria Texas

Nearby is a fire department, which google users gave a one star rating. In the beautiful little town of Victoria Texas, sits Paint's Underground Pizza. It is a pleasure to take a taste of this pizza shop's humble beginnings, witnessing the spark that may turn into an eternal flame. Paint's also advertised the lowest prices in town, which is something I can relate to.

Their $9 medium cheese pizza was actually $11 and 11 inches. Their sodas only come in 16 ounce plastic bottles, just like their water. I should have brought in my canteen, but I really wanted a soda. They had some familiar, relatable pizza-themed posters in their otherwise non-cozy dining area.

Their salads are not fresh. They are pre-made, and displayed in a cold bake case, in small tupper wares, smaller than the ones Subway uses for their salads.

The tv showed Friends, the episode where Ross tries to make sure Chandler and Monica move in together, so Rachel will have to move in with him. I wondered whether or not Rachel ever wore a bra. Probably not. I love Jennifer Aniston and I would hate it if some people only loved her for having the world's most familiar tits.

Let's talk about ratios. Paint's Underground Pizza gets a 2cr2ce2ch. It's thin, and cut into squares. They had a poster somewhere, saying something snarky about square cut pizza. If their pizza were cut into regular slices, it would not hold together. As you see, their pie was both burnt and under cooked.

I'll rate their crust a 2 out of 5. It was more like a homemade pizza than something made in a pizza shop, with a big electric mixer. Under-kneaded, it had some goo to it, but even picking up a tiny square, I felt like I was going to lose my cheese. Even if their crust had some flavor, it still wouldn't wang my wong.

Their sauce gets a 3 out of 5, tasting like something that came from a jar, pre-seasoned. I could eat it out of a jar. For stated reasons, they get a two out of five for overall quality. For style, they also get a two out of five. I think Paint's could work on their method and recipe, but they probably won't for fear of discouraging the few customers they probably already have. I don't mind concrete floors and paper plates, but Paint's doesn't feel like a pizza shop. It doesn't work. Next time, I'm going to find a time-tested, family joint. Paint's Underground Pizza, you get a score of 45%.