The Rock (feat. Nicolas Cage)

Released in 1996, The Rock is one of those covert military op films, for people who like that kind of thing. For its time, it's pretty edgy, giving a little extra juice to those who like Tom Clancy things. I've heard the quote "All is fair in love and war", which we know now to be false. In fact with war, nothing is fair, which gives us a certain amount of sympathy for our antagonist, General Francis Hummel (played by Ed Harris). Hummel is a hero of the Vietnam war. Seeking reparations for himself and his comrades, he seizes Alcatraz (The Rock) with a number of hostages and bio-chemical weapons pointed at San Francisco, in a hostage situation with our government.

Of course our 'Don't Tread On Me' country can't let Hummel get away with this, so it forms a team of navy seals while coercing a chemist in the employ of the FBI named Stanley Goodspeed (played by Nicolas Cage) into taking part in the mission, as they need him to dismantle the weapons. But to break into Alcatraz, they need to employ the only man who has ever successfully escaped from the prision, John Mason (played by Sean Connery).

So Cage gets to play an arrogant, but noble chemist in all of his brilliant 90s Nick Cage fashion while Sean Connery gets to display his talents for always somehow playing a total badass. The badass and the noble chemist make good... chemistry for this film, that is no doubt. While I would rate this film highly among its peers, I'm just not really into these violent tales of military heroism. The Rock hasn't very well stood the test of time, regarding predictability, calls for character sympathy, and its eye-rolling attempts at humor. I guess the writers thought including a very gay hairdresser would fill the theater with ROFLing.

The story itself is well presented, giving the audience a few moments to guess what's going on. And I like how the antagonist himself has a character arc, which is super rare for a Cage film. Speaking of Cage films, the action in The Rock does not make the cut. Most of it is delegated to bullet storms and a singular car chase. While there were a few, forgiveable of stretches in plausibility you'd expect from any action thriller, it's far more immersive than the likes of Face/Off. But it dragged on for too long, with little we didn't see coming.

1. Raising Arizona
2. The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent
3. Leaving Las Vegas
4. Red Rock West
5. Adaptation
6. Pig
7. Birdy
8. Wild at Heart
9. Joe
10. National Treasure
11. Guarding Tess
12. Snake Eyes
13. Mandy
14. Dog Eat Dog
15. Color Out of Space
16. Mom and Dad
17. World Trade Center
18. Peggy Sue Got Married

19. The Rock

20. Zandalee
21. Prisoners of the Ghostland
22. City of Angels
23. Willy's Wonderland
24. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
25. Bangkok Dangerous
26. Drive Angry
27. Army of One
28. Lord of War
29. Gone in 60 Seconds
30. Matchstick Men
31. Vampire's Kiss
32. Con Air
33. Face/Off
34. Trapped in Paradise
35. The Boy in Blue
36. Honeymoon in Vegas
37. Deadfall
38. Amos and Andrew
39. Moonstruck
40. Tokarev
41. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
42. Knowing
43. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
44. Bringing Out the Dead
45. The Family Man
46. Stolen
47. It Could Happen to You
48. The Wicker Man
49. 8mm
50. The Frozen Ground
51. Left Behind
52. A Score to Settle
53. Pay the Ghost
54. Primal
55. Dying of the Light
56. Grand Isle
57. Looking Glass
58. Arsenal
59. Between Worlds
60. Ghost Rider
61. Trespass
62. The Humanity Bureau
63. Next
64. The Weather Man
65. 211
66. Fire Birds
67. The Croods

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (feat. Nicolas Cage)

You've probably heard of this movie, the one in which Nicolas Cage plays himself. What a gimmick! But the meta quality of this film provides a depth of context that wouldn't otherwise be possible. Cage could play a great and famous actor, but there's only one Nicolas Cage, and the fact that characters in the film an reference his work tells much about who they are.

So in the film, Cage is having trouble maintaining his self image, relations with his family, and his finances. In fact, he's so into acting it's hard for him to keep in touch with everything else. When he doesn't get a role he was going for, he decides to perhaps retire, and to settle his debts, takes a gig for a million dollars just to attend a wealthy fan's birthday party.

But he doesn't expect this wealthy fan to become his new best friend, or for the FBI to rangle into a dangerous task of finding a woman this new friend (Javi) is said to have kidnapped in order to ransom favor for his criminal enterprise. Furthermore, I won't spoil the rest.

In this gripping film, you never entierely know what's going on, but the relationships are touching and the action sequences are hilarious. Javi can't help himself but pretend he's in a movie with Nick at every chance he gets, and the directing follows every cue without flaw. This film ranks up there with The In Laws as a perfect buddy action comedy, and it is all the hype. Don't snooze on it.

1. Raising Arizona

2. The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

3. Leaving Las Vegas
4. Red Rock West
5. Adaptation
6. Pig
7. Birdy
8. Wild at Heart
9. Joe
10. National Treasure
11. Guarding Tess
12. Snake Eyes
13. Mandy
14. Dog Eat Dog
15. Color Out of Space
16. Mom and Dad
17. World Trade Center
18. Peggy Sue Got Married
19. Zandalee
20. Prisoners of the Ghostland
21. City of Angels
22. Willy's Wonderland
23. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
24. Bangkok Dangerous
25. Drive Angry
26. Army of One
27. Lord of War
28. Gone in 60 Seconds
29. Matchstick Men
30. Vampire's Kiss
31. Con Air
32. Face/Off
33. Trapped in Paradise
34. The Boy in Blue
35. Honeymoon in Vegas
36. Deadfall
37. Amos and Andrew
38. Moonstruck
39. Tokarev
40. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
41. Knowing
42. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
43. Bringing Out the Dead
44. The Family Man
45. Stolen
46. It Could Happen to You
47. The Wicker Man
48. 8mm
49. The Frozen Ground
50. Left Behind
51. A Score to Settle
52. Pay the Ghost
53. Primal
54. Dying of the Light
55. Grand Isle
56. Looking Glass
57. Arsenal
58. Between Worlds
59. Ghost Rider
60. Trespass
61. The Humanity Bureau
62. Next
63. The Weather Man
64. 211
65. Fire Birds
66. The Croods

Mandy (feat. Nicolas Cage)

Do you like heavy metal, sci-fi, and 80s horror? If so, this is the film for you. And it feels more genuine than pandering to its demographic. It feels good. Almost every shot fades to black, and fades in from black. The psychedelic touches don't go too far, turning the film into an incomprehensible mess. Mysteries built in the first half of the movie are resolved in the second half, but getting there is dreadfully slow with an emphasis on Dread.

And then you figure out Mandy is yet another Cage revenge/Cage saves girl movie. Despite Cage's wonderful performance within the powerful flex of director Panos Cosmatos, this is just a fancied-up version of every other Cage film of the era. I really thought there was going to be a stronger sci-fi element, but there wasn't. Despite a wonderfully immersive presentation, Mandy hardly qualifies as a horror film. So with its merits, I will rank it higher than the other Cage's other revenge films. But gosh, I was really hoping for something more original.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes

12. Mandy

13. Dog Eat Dog
14. Color Out of Space
15. Mom and Dad
16. World Trade Center
17. Peggy Sue Got Married
18. Zandalee
19. Prisoners of the Ghostland
20. City of Angels
21. Willy's Wonderland
22. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
23. Bangkok Dangerous
24. Drive Angry
25. Army of One
26. Lord of War
27. Gone in 60 Seconds
28. Matchstick Men
29. Vampire's Kiss
30. Con Air
31. Face/Off
32. Trapped in Paradise
33. The Boy in Blue
34. Honeymoon in Vegas
35. Kill Chain
36. Deadfall
37. Amos and Andrew
38. Moonstruck
39. Tokarev
40. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
41. Knowing
42. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
43. Bringing Out the Dead
44. The Family Man
45. Stolen
46. It Could Happen to You
47. 8mm
48. The Frozen Ground
49. Left Behind
50. A Score to Settle
51. Pay the Ghost
52. Primal
53. Dying of the Light
54. Grand Isle
55. Looking Glass
56. Arsenal
57. Between Worlds
58. Ghost Rider
59. Trespass
60. The Humanity Bureau
61. Next
62. The Weather Man
63. 211
64. Fire Birds
65. The Croods

Dying of the Light (feat. Nicolas Cage)

This 2014 film tells the story of an old CIA agent who can't give up the search for the terrorist Muhammid Banir, who broke off part of his ear. But it's not quite what you'd expect. The film starts off with an edgy speech by Evan Lake (Cage), on why you should choose to be in the CIA. The reason is American Values, whatever that means.

Lake was told 20 years ago to get off the case of Banir, who was dead as far as anyone knew. But of course, Lake couldn't give up and couldn't stop thinking about it. And eventually he comes down with a case of frontotemporal dementia, causing sensory distortions that will continue to get worse until they kill Agent Lake, a condition he tries to hide from the CIA.

With this condition you might expect to see some severe performances from Cage like in Matchstick Men and Bad Leutenant, but that's not the case here. Lake's young protege finds evidence that Banir is alive, but dying of some form of anemia. So said protege, for no logical reason, risks his career to help a dying agent go after his dying nemesis. Aside from being a criminal, the only thing Lake has against him is the missing piece of his stupid ear.

In Romania, they meet the only female character in the film, who also happens to be a past love interest of Cage's character. Like 80% of these Cage films. The stakes are pretty low here, and viewers are never given a reason to care about any character. I might dare to say the characters in this film are stupid. Lake is in the CIA, so he doesn't have a family or anything. He's just an anonymous agent who's going to die soon anyway. After a weak action scene and a vh1-esque hallucination scene, it all ends with someone getting poked in the eye really hard.

So this movie isn't very good. There are some mildly oppulant bad parts, but nothing really worth seeing.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes
12. Dog Eat Dog
13. Color Out of Space
14. Mom and Dad
15. World Trade Center
16. Peggy Sue Got Married
17. Zandalee
18. Prisoners of the Ghostland
19. City of Angels
20. Willy's Wonderland
21. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
22. Bangkok Dangerous
23. Drive Angry
24. Army of One
25. Lord of War
26. Gone in 60 Seconds
27. Matchstick Men
28. Vampire's Kiss
29. Con Air
30. Face/Off
31. Trapped in Paradise
32. The Boy in Blue
33. Honeymoon in Vegas
34. Kill Chain
35. Deadfall
36. Amos and Andrew
37. Moonstruck
38. Tokarev
39. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
40. Knowing
41. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
42. Bringing Out the Dead
43. The Family Man
44. Stolen
45. It Could Happen to You
46. 8mm
47. The Frozen Ground
48. Left Behind
49. A Score to Settle
50. Pay the Ghost
51. Primal

52. Dying of the Light

53. Grand Isle
54. Looking Glass
55. Arsenal
56. Between Worlds
57. Ghost Rider
58. Trespass
59. The Humanity Bureau
60. Next
61. The Weather Man
62. 211
63. Fire Birds
64. The Croods

Kill Chain (feat. Nicolas Cage)

Here's another noir crime film where Cage plays the badass of badasses. There are no good guys, just a bunch of criminals and crooked cops killing each other as planned. The fun thing about this kind of movie is, while the arcs aren't especially strong, us viewers can never predict what's going to happen. And since Cage's character is smart and has made a few honorable sacrifices, we're disposed to root for him.

The aesthetic and direction are also especially good with this one. So if you're especially into violent noir stuff, stabbing vixens, or Nick Cage, I think you'll like this film. While it doesn't have a ton to offer, I don't think any part of it was bad. In fact I found it equally timely and entertaining. So far, my favorite Cage film of 2019.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes
12. Dog Eat Dog
13. Color Out of Space
14. Mom and Dad
15. World Trade Center
16. Peggy Sue Got Married
17. Zandalee
18. Prisoners of the Ghostland
19. City of Angels
20. Willy's Wonderland
21. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
22. Bangkok Dangerous
23. Drive Angry
24. Army of One
25. Lord of War
26. Gone in 60 Seconds
27. Matchstick Men
28. Vampire's Kiss
29. Con Air
30. Face/Off
31. Trapped in Paradise
32. The Boy in Blue
33. Honeymoon in Vegas

34. Kill Chain

35. Deadfall
36. Amos and Andrew
37. Moonstruck
38. Tokarev
39. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
40. Knowing
41. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
42. Bringing Out the Dead
43. The Family Man
44. Stolen
45. It Could Happen to You
46. 8mm
47. The Frozen Ground
48. Left Behind
49. A Score to Settle
50. Pay the Ghost
51. Primal
52. Grand Isle
53. Looking Glass
54. Arsenal
55. Between Worlds
56. Ghost Rider
57. Trespass
58. The Humanity Bureau
59. Next
60. The Weather Man
61. 211
62. Fire Birds
63. The Croods

A Score to Settle (feat. Nicolas Cage)

In this turd from 2019, Cage plays a young mob enforcer who takes, for a hefty fee, takes the fall for a murder commited by his boss. 19 years later, Cage's character (Frank Carver) is released from jail, but he's dying of some disease. Frank's son, all grown-up and financially supported by the mob, picks him up and they make up for lost time. Sound Familiar?

Frank and son get along okay, but eventually the son gets his shot at a pitifully contrived monologue about how his Frank's a hypocrite and not much of a father. Fair enough, seeing how after spending a lot of money on his suits, hotels, whores, and hotels, Frank's main objective is to get revenge on his old boss. The money wasn't enough. After all, he missed seeing his son grow-up, and now he's dying. The stakes are low.

All the while Cage is getting into violent trouble and suffering with us thorugh some blurry, low framerate spells of his sickness, which he is going to die from. I can't spoil the story, but some people have a wooden happy ending and others don't. Cage gets to have a freak-out, which he might as well, since he was presumably intended to carry this entire Saturn Film. Every other actor in this film blows their one and only shot to be in a real movie.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes
12. Dog Eat Dog
13. Color Out of Space
14. Mom and Dad
15. World Trade Center
16. Peggy Sue Got Married
17. Zandalee
18. Prisoners of the Ghostland
19. City of Angels
20. Willy's Wonderland
21. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
22. Bangkok Dangerous
23. Drive Angry
24. Army of One
25. Lord of War
26. Gone in 60 Seconds
27. Matchstick Men
28. Vampire's Kiss
29. Con Air
30. Face/Off
31. Trapped in Paradise
32. The Boy in Blue
33. Honeymoon in Vegas
34. Deadfall
35. Amos and Andrew
36. Moonstruck
37. Tokarev
38. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
39. Knowing
40. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
41. Bringing Out the Dead
42. The Family Man
43. Stolen
44. It Could Happen to You
45. 8mm
46. The Frozen Ground
47. Left Behind

48. A Score to Settle

49. Pay the Ghost
50. Primal
51. Grand Isle
52. Looking Glass
53. Arsenal
54. Between Worlds
55. Ghost Rider
56. Trespass
57. The Humanity Bureau
58. Next
59. The Weather Man
60. 211
61. Fire Birds
62. The Croods

Tokarev (feat. Nicolas Cage)

This film has a lot in common with Stolen, which came out two years earlier. Cage plays an ex-criminal who goes straight and becomes a successful business man. His boss lets him go clean, because his wife's dying and somebody needs to be around to take care of the daughter. Said daughter becomes a teen and gets kidnapped/murdered.

So Cage and his old buddies go and take out anyone who might have made enemies with them in the past, including every sect of organized crime. And the cops, one played by Danny Glover, want Cage's character to go free. They sympathize, despite all of the recent, extra killing. And there's a lot of violence. While I said I can't sympathize with a protagonist who thinks with his trigger finger, I can buy it with this one. Tokarev is a story of revenge and consequences, and everyone pays.

Despite it's obviously contrived premise, I still think this movie is a cut above Cage's other actiony films of the 2010s. The action is just better. The character arch is effective, and everything is bleak and (fairly) immersive. To top it off, Tokarev gives us a true Nicolas Cage freak-out. I admit some of the acting is weak, and some of the scenes look like they're from a bad tv show, but that's never been enough to ruin the experience.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes
12. Dog Eat Dog
13. Color Out of Space
14. Mom and Dad
15. World Trade Center
16. Peggy Sue Got Married
17. Zandalee
18. Prisoners of the Ghostland
19. City of Angels
20. Willy's Wonderland
21. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
22. Bangkok Dangerous
23. Drive Angry
24. Army of One
25. Lord of War
26. Gone in 60 Seconds
27. Matchstick Men
28. Vampire's Kiss
29. Con Air
30. Face/Off
31. Trapped in Paradise
32. The Boy in Blue
33. Honeymoon in Vegas
34. Deadfall
35. Amos and Andrew
36. Moonstruck

37. Tokarev

38. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
39. Knowing
40. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
41. Bringing Out the Dead
42. The Family Man
43. Stolen
44. It Could Happen to You
45. 8mm
46. The Frozen Ground
47. Left Behind
48. Pay the Ghost
49. Primal
50. Grand Isle
51. Looking Glass
52. Arsenal
53. Between Worlds
54. Ghost Rider
55. Trespass
56. The Humanity Bureau
57. Next
58. The Weather Man
59. 211
60. Fire Birds
61. The Croods

Stolen (feat. Nicolas Cage)

Stolen tells the story of bank robber Will Montgomery, played by Nicolas Cage. He gets busted while his accomplices run free, and to prevent a harsher sentence, Will burns the money. After all, he has a beloved daughter, and doesn't want to miss out on her entire upbringing. Fast forward 8 years and daughter Alison, played by Sami Gayle, is less than forgiving. Neither are Will's accomplices, who along with some FBI members, think the money's hidden somewhere.

In fact one of such accomplices has grown bitter enough to fake his own death and kidnap sweet, adorable Alison, for a ransom of ten million dollars. So Will has to come up with the money, but how? All he knows how to do is rob banks? To make matters worse, it's Fat Tuesday in New Orleans. So the premise is pretty all right, but nothing is especially well executed in this film. And I have a hard time rooting for a protagonist who thinks with his trigger finger. The action is all right, directed by Con-Air's Simon West, whose craft hasn't grown much since the 90s.

There are no surprises whatsover, and it feels like the only demographic for this film are guys who like seeing cute teenage girls drugged and locked in trunks of cards. Sami Gayle's performance, while often overdone, feels like the only thing in this movie that isn't phoned in. Cage is all right, doing his action and all, but he doesn't do anything new or special. Even if you're part of the specific demographic, Stolen's a tough sell.

Also, I'm going to tweak this list. Primal is ranked too high. Left Behind and Knowing are both ranked too low. Even the flawed logic in The Family Man has a small impact on its general enjoyability.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes
12. Dog Eat Dog
13. Color Out of Space
14. Mom and Dad
15. World Trade Center
16. Peggy Sue Got Married
17. Zandalee
18. Prisoners of the Ghostland
19. City of Angels
20. Willy's Wonderland
21. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
22. Bangkok Dangerous
23. Drive Angry
24. Army of One
25. Lord of War
26. Gone in 60 Seconds
27. Matchstick Men
28. Vampire's Kiss
29. Con Air
30. Face/Off
31. Trapped in Paradise
32. The Boy in Blue
33. Honeymoon in Vegas
34. Deadfall
35. Amos and Andrew
36. Moonstruck
37. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
38. Knowing
39. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
40. Bringing Out the Dead
41. The Family Man

42. Stolen

43. It Could Happen to You
44. 8mm
45. The Frozen Ground
46. Left Behind
47. Primal
48. Grand Isle
49. Looking Glass
50. Arsenal
51. Between Worlds
52. Ghost Rider
53. Trespass
54. The Humanity Bureau
55. Next
56. The Weather Man
57. 211
58. Fire Birds
59. The Croods

Primal (feat. Nicolas Cage)

Released in 2019, this movie spent over twenty years in production hell before getting made, and it shows. This is a 90s movie all the way, with a slight upgrade to its CGI effects, which are still bad. Cage plays Frank Walsh, an exotic big-game hunter in the jungles of Brazil. As you might expect, he's not a great dude, greedy and arrogant. But that's fine. He's the protagonist of the film. You can tell because he's in the first scene, and played by the only famous person in the cast. Either way, Cage plays the hero in almost all of his movies.

After Walsh catches a legendary white jaguar, he takes a boat out of the jungle, which as a last minute surprise, is also transporting a criminally insane terrorist assassin named Richard Loffler. So we have Loffler plus jungle animals, plus the white jaguar who we don't need to worry about anymore, even though she's a legendary man eater. Still the US Marshals on board are easily outmatched. So the premise is pretty good, like Con Air but darker and more exciting.

And in this type of situation, you might expect a lot of people to die, like in most thrillers. But that doesn't happen. So the thriller part doesn't work. What about the action? The action is pretty bad all around, except for one scene with Cage, who severely out-performs everyone else in the cast, which by the way, includes only one woman.

With the bechdel test, I am especially forgiving of Nick Cage films, because if he's going to be in a movie, it might as well be mostly about him. But in Primal, any of the characters could have been female. None of them had to be male, except for the hottie who doesn't like Walsh, because he's not a good man. This hottie is Famke Janssen, playing Dr. Ellen Taylor. Some military doctor, it's her job to ensure the health and safety of their prisoner on board. And she doesn't look like a military doctor, always withe her hair in this sultry side braid.

So was there anything good about this movie? The thrill is there if you're really desperate for it. And if you really love 90s action movies, and wish they were still being made, this is the film for you. Otherwise, you should continue not caring about it.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes
12. Dog Eat Dog
13. Color Out of Space
14. Mom and Dad
15. World Trade Center
16. Peggy Sue Got Married
17. Zandalee
18. Prisoners of the Ghostland
19. City of Angels
20. Willy's Wonderland
21. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
22. Bangkok Dangerous
23. Drive Angry
24. Army of One
25. Lord of War
26. Gone in 60 Seconds
27. Matchstick Men
28. Vampire's Kiss
29. Con Air
30. Face/Off
31. Trapped in Paradise
32. The Boy in Blue
33. Honeymoon in Vegas
34. Amos and Andrew
35. Moonstruck
36. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
37. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

38. Primal

39. Bringing Out the Dead
40. The Family Man
41. Knowing
42. The Frozen Ground
43. It Could Happen to You
44. 8mm
45. Grand Isle
46. Looking Glass
47. Arsenal
48. Between Worlds
49. Left Behind
50. Ghost Rider
51. Trespass
52. The Humanity Bureau
53. Next
54. The Weather Man
55. 211
56. Fire Birds
57. The Croods

Fire Birds (feat. Nicolas Cage)

This is a weird movie you've probably never heard of. Released in 1990, under Disney's Touchstone pictures, Fire Birds tells the story of an apache pilot who wants nothing more than to kill foreigners for doing things that are illegal in our great country, all in the interest of President Bush's War on Drugs.

Nicolas Cage plays Pilot Jake Preston, doing everything he can to make it look cool and fun to kill people. The herosim in this interest is repeatedly affirmed by Preston's instructor, played by Tommy Lee Jones. I don't think he's a great actor or anything, but he's the only one in this film who gives more than the worst performance of his career. And I don't blame the actors, really. Most of the dialogue exists to demonstrate the greatness of Cage's character. The helicopter stunt scenes are a rare, fun treat, but the rest of this movie sucks. And it doesn't just suck. It sucks in bad taste.

And I don't even care that Fire Birds repeatedly tries to rip off Top Gun. What bothers me more is this is the only Nick Cage film to prominently feature a song by Phil Collins. How did that happen? Did Phil Collins really endorse the War on Drugs? Unbelievable.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes
12. Dog Eat Dog
13. Color Out of Space
14. Mom and Dad
15. World Trade Center
16. Peggy Sue Got Married
17. Zandalee
18. Prisoners of the Ghostland
19. City of Angels
20. Willy's Wonderland
21. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
22. Bangkok Dangerous
23. Drive Angry
24. Army of One
25. Lord of War
26. Gone in 60 Seconds
27. Matchstick Men
28. Vampire's Kiss
29. Con Air
30. Face/Off
31. Trapped in Paradise
32. The Boy in Blue
33. Honeymoon in Vegas
34. Amos and Andrew
35. Moonstruck
36. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
37. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
38. Bringing Out the Dead
39. The Family Man
40. Knowing
41. The Frozen Ground
42. It Could Happen to You
43. 8mm
44. Grand Isle
45. Looking Glass
46. Arsenal
47. Between Worlds
48. Left Behind
49. Ghost Rider
50. Trespass
51. The Humanity Bureau
52. Next
53. The Weather Man
54. 211

55. Fire Birds

56. The Croods

Bangkok Dangerous (feat. Nicolas Cage)

I've discovered that so far, over 30% of Cages films are narrated by him. 95% of them have him in the lead role. Narrating Bangkok dangerous, he plays an international assassin who normally kills his partners. In this story, we learn what kind of people these victims are.

I really appreciate how instead of going for edgy, this film gave us an eye-opening experience, a glimpse at Bangkok. It may be a sensationalized Bangkok, but who knows? I have no immediate plan of going there, even though it would be nice, even if it is dangerous.

One might wonder what the deal is with Cage and playing guys who dye their hair. Maybe his character (curtly known as Joe) is supposed to be younger than his actor, but in this case it doesn't seem to make a difference. Her does look much older than he did in last year's Ghost Rider.

I don't know if being in Asia makes you want to make Asian-style films, but that's what we have here. It's highly cinematic, featuring a hero with an especially cool way of being. And it's such a breath of fresh air to watch a quiet, patient scene of maximum impact. It's not real like Lord of War, no. Instead of going for "wow" stunts and practical effects, the action scenes are fun, relying on actual action and choreography. All right, there are SOME stunts and practical effects. But it's cool to see bullets travel through the bottom of the boat and through the water underneath. You might not be surprised to hear there's a lot of good gun shooting in this film.

At times I felt like Cage was acting on autopilot, especially in the scenes that required real acting. But maybe I'm just used to him by now. Also, I wonder how much the film makers did sensationalize Bangkok and all the things that make it not American. There's also no part of the story that isn't predictable. As soon as you meet a character, you figure out who they're going to be and what's going to happen with them. So a lot of the watching is spent waiting for the end. Though I do like not being totally stressed out when trying to kick back and watch a vid.

It seems like half the time a film 'blows your mind', you're left groaning and wondering how you fell for that, wondering why they couldn't have done something more satisfying. Maybe I'm being generous with my rating, and maybe I was too generous in rating Lord of War. Or maybe I just like this kind of film.

1. Raising Arizona
   
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Birdy
6. Wild at Heart
7. Color Out of Space
8. Peggy Sue Got Married
9. City of Angels
10. Bangkok Dangerous
11. Drive Angry
12. Lord of War
13. Gone in 60 Seconds
14. Matchstick Men
15. Vampire's Kiss
16. Con Air
17. Face/Off
18. Honeymoon in Vegas
19. Amos and Andrew
20. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
21. Bringing Out the Dead
22. The Family Man
23. It Could Happen to You
24. 8mm
25. Ghost Rider
26. Next
27. The Weather Man
28. 211
29. The Croods

ALSO! Lets talk about Saturn Films, Nicolas Cage's own company which I've failed to mention. It was They who rewrote the script for 2007's Next, which as you might remember, turned out horribly. Bangkok Dangerous and Lord of War were also made by Saturn Films. And Sorcerer's Apprentice was produced by them. In the future, I'll be sure to let you know which of these Cage films were done by Saturn.

Drive Angry (feat. Nicolas Cage)

At the end of the 2000s, most tv shows were rearing toward the cinematic style made popular by shows like The Sopranos and Lost. Meanwhile, the theaters filled with low-risk, big-budget affairs. I think this shift marked a perfect time for great actors like Nicolas Cage to work on some low-commitment grindhouse films, doing everything that can't be done on tv.

You might say, "Well, Drive Angry is kind of edgy," but I disagree. I think, even with all the guns, crashes, and tits, the film is never trying to bait me. It's just being itself, being genuine, and giving us a great time for two hours. The story for Drive Angry is pretty stale, but at least it's a formula that works and doesn't set us up for disappointment.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. Birdy
5. Wild at Heart
6. Color Out of Space
7. Peggy Sue Got Married
8. City of Angels
9. Drive Angry
10. Lord of War
11. Gone in 60 Seconds
12. Matchstick Men
13. Vampire's Kiss
14. Con Air
15. Face/Off
16. Honeymoon in Vegas
17. Bringing Out the Dead
18. The Family Man
19. It Could Happen to You
20. 8mm
21. Ghost Rider
22. Next
23. The Weather Man
24. The Croods

Con Air (feat. Nicolas Cage(

Here, we finally have Nicolas Cage starring opposite the man he is most often mistaken for, John Cusack. It's getting harder to rank these films, mostly because I may have overrated Gone in Sixty Seconds. Fear not, ConAir doesn't put on such airs of badassery, even as it presents an array of the most badass of prisoners, including cheese balls played by the likes of John Malkovitch and Dave Chapelle. I know what you're probably wondering, and the answer is 'yes'. Dave Chapelle does call people on their racist crud, landing in only a few of the film's deep wells of cringe.

By this time in Cage's career, he's already played several inmates, soldiers, and men with southern accents. In Con Air he is all three and a solid 'good guy', named Cameron Poe. Isn't it tough to be a good guy when incarcerated and on board a plane hijacked by the worst of the criminally insane? And the cops aren't all good, either! Cameron has to get home to his wife and child without hurting or incriminating himself. To top it off, he has to deal with Steve Buscemi as a creepy serial killer.

At least the bad guys aren't all bad. Con Air's pretty all right, despite some instances in which it tries to be funny. I respect the level of tact with which this film used its violent aspects. I'm however puzzled by some of Cameron's decisions. I guess he wouldn't be such a big hero if he let the the other convicts fend for themselves. What good is it to have a wife and daughter if he can't put his life on the line to take down the bad guys?

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. Birdy
5. Wild at Heart
6. Color Out of Space
7. Peggy Sue Got Married
8. City of Angels
9. Gone in 60 Seconds
10. Matchstick Men
11. Vampire's Kiss
12. Con Air
13. Face/Off
14. Honeymoon in Vegas
15. The Family Man
16. It Could Happen to You
17. 8mm
18. Ghost Rider
19. Next
20. The Weather Man
21. The Croods

Next (feat. Nicolas Cage)

This 2007 film is a mix of many things: scifi , romance, and political thriller. It's loosely based on an old short story by Philip K. Dick. Many of its sci-fi tropes were exhausted by the film industry long before 2007.

Cage plays Cris Johnson, an intentionally bad stage magician with clairvoyant abilities. The FBI figures him out, and they need him to save Los Angeles. Cris can tell everything about his (current) future, except for the parts that involve a certain love interest, played by Jessica Biel. She does a reasonable job acting, considering the blankness of her character.

Character three is a one-note, hard balling FBI agent, played by Julianne Moore. I'm preconditioned to like her despite my natural aversion to law enforcement. The Dangerous Milf always wins, tearfully gripping her nine millimeter. To further prove her competence, she uses her phone's speed dial. Aside from these traits, we don't know anything about this one dimensional character who actually drives the story.

Since this dive into Nicolas Cage's filmography keeps pulling me deeper, I need to thus get deeper in these critiques. Cris Johnson is our protagonist, and we are supposed to like him and think he's cool. However, Hollywood often fails to sell us on the winning traits and personalities of their heros. In fact I'm often annoyed by the values they expect me to buy into. But maybe our real hero is the vanilla love interest... Yeah right.

Why should I expect anyone to use effective communication to solve their problems when they could engage in disastrous action sequences? Cris's clairvoyant powers really make a difference in his capacity to kick butt and escape death. If there is any aspect of quality in this film, it lies with the action scenes.

I hate to be a spoiler, but the story of Next never resolves itself. Despite its teasing flavor of hard scifi with good practical effects, Next is a bad, incomplete film. It shouldn't have been made.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. Birdy
5. Wild at Heart
6. Color Out of Space
7. Peggy Sue Got Married
8. City of Angels
9. Gone in 60 Seconds
10. Matchstick Men
11. Vampire's Kiss
12. Face/Off
13. Honeymoon in Vegas
14. The Family Man
15. It Could Happen to You
16. 8mm
17. Ghost Rider
18. Next
19. The Weather Man
20. The Croods

Face/Off (feat. Nicolas Cage)

In 2018 I went to an Ozzy Osbourne concert. 4/5 of the band, including Ozzy, were kind of just rocking and having a good time, taking it easy. It's an easy gig. But on stage left, we had Zakk Wylde; one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time. He doesn't even need to care about how the song is played because he can just shred the whole time. He made the show both boring and exhausting, and the set was like two hours long.

Much like Face/Off, with a strong hook and all-star cast. I see John Travolta on the poster and assume it's going to be a great film. All the acting was great and the practical effects were stellar. It would have made a great comic book, but instead it's an action movie with a capital A. Nearly every scene suggests a one in a million chance of success over failure and it's a success every time for our hero Archer, against bad guy Castor; both played by both John Travolta and Nicolas Cage.

The action scenes just go on for way too long and it's very clear every time something happens which might come into play later. So there are no surprises, but we don't notice because everything is so violent and extreme amidst constant face-touching. Archer wants to rip Castor's face off and I want to rip my own face off and smoke a cigarette in the hospital with no face. Let's see those rankings.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. City of Angels
5. Gone in 60 Seconds
6. Matchstick Men
7. Vampire's Kiss
8. Face/Off
9. Honeymoon in Vegas
10. The Family Man
11. The Weather Man
12. The Croods