Captain Blood by Rafael Sabatini

In this classic pirate story, you follow the unjust fall and honorable rise of Captain Peter Blood. He may be the reason generic pirates have an irish accent. It's the kind of cunning hero tale that inspires us all to follow the call to adventure.

Season of the Witch (feat. Nicolas Cage)

In 1973, there was released another film with this name, but that didn't matter in 2011. Surely this cinematic spectacle with the director from Gone in 60 Seconds would leave all other films in obscurity. Medieval action adventures were all the rage, except for maybe this one.

In this Season of the Witch, Cage and Ron Perlman play buddy Crusader heroes, the best of their brutal breed. With each battle, whoever killed less than the other had to buy drinks for the night. What fun. Eventually they saw the hypocrisy in killing for God, and became deserters. However, Cage's character still wanted to be a hero, and as chance would have it, the two warriors get a chance to save a witch, or at least have her exorcised.

After some really weak battle scenes, the adventure ensues. There are some fun sword fights with a young cleric with surprising prowess. Then there's a scene with a rickety bridge. Standard fare for this genre. I see how this film seemed like a good idea at the time, but its end product failed on most levels.

I understand that medieval settings are tricky and expensive, but there were a lot of bad shots in this film. In most scenes, there's no sense of space and pacing, as there are rarely more than one or two people in each shot, constantly cutting from one to the next.

The hero boys talk to each other more like badasses in a western and less like the Teutonic knights they should be. With Perlman, there isn't much dialogue. He mostly responds with tough one liners before moving on to smash things. With Season of the Witch, there are no surprises and no immersion.

1. Raising Arizona
2. The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent
3. Leaving Las Vegas
4. Red Rock West
5. Adaptation
6. Pig
7. Birdy
8. Wild at Heart
9. Joe
10. National Treasure
11. Guarding Tess
12. Snake Eyes
13. Mandy
14. Dog Eat Dog
15. Color Out of Space
16. Mom and Dad
17. World Trade Center
18. Peggy Sue Got Married
19. The Rock
20. Zandalee
21. Prisoners of the Ghostland
22. City of Angels
23. Willy's Wonderland
24. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
25. Bangkok Dangerous
26. Drive Angry
27. Army of One
28. Lord of War
29. Gone in 60 Seconds
30. Matchstick Men
31. Vampire's Kiss
32. Con Air
33. Face/Off
34. Trapped in Paradise
35. The Boy in Blue
36. Honeymoon in Vegas
37. Deadfall
38. Amos and Andrew
39. Moonstruck
40. Tokarev
41. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
42. Knowing
43. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
44. Bringing Out the Dead
45. The Family Man
46. Stolen

47. Season of the Witch

48. It Could Happen to You
49. The Wicker Man
50. 8mm
51. The Frozen Ground
52. Left Behind
53. A Score to Settle
54. Pay the Ghost
55. Primal
56. Dying of the Light
57. Grand Isle
58. Looking Glass
59. Arsenal
60. Between Worlds
61. Ghost Rider
62. Trespass
63. The Humanity Bureau
64. Next
65. The Weather Man
66. 211
67. Fire Birds
68. The Croods

National Treasure (feat. Nicolas Cage)

I generally agree with the hype surrounding this film of objective high quality. It's a fun and exciting treasure hunt. What's not to like? There's no answer. This film was made to appeal to literally everyone in an underwhelming sense.

Cage plays Benjamin Franklin Gates, from a lineage of history-experts who go against popular belief in favor of the National Treasure. Aside from being a generally good guy, that's all we need to know about Ben. He's not bitter about his family's reputation, and he doesn't have any characteristic weaknesses. He's not a real character, just like the rest of his small, but 100% competetent crew.

This leaves me sympathizing more with the villains, based on their humanity alone. Let's look at Indiana Jones, the model treasure-hunting adventurer. Indiana Jones was afraid of snakes, had a real job, got drunk at inconvenient times, and had a complicated history with almost every beautiful woman he ran into. He's cool. Benjamin Franklin Gates, however, is hyper-objective and fully rational at all times. He isn't greedy and has a good relationship with his dad. In National Treasure, everyone who's a good guy is about as good as a person can be, and even the bad guys aren't so bad.

But it's a Disney movie, for the kids at heart. So despite how great this filmw as, I don't feel like I missed anything by not seeing it until yesterday. And I don't foresee myself nerdding out about its fictitious history with anyone.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Dog Eat Dog
12. Color Out of Space
13. Mom and Dad
14. Peggy Sue Got Married
15. Zandalee
16. City of Angels
17. Bangkok Dangerous
18. Drive Angry
19. Army of One
20. Lord of War
21. Gone in 60 Seconds
22. Matchstick Men
23. Vampire's Kiss
24. Con Air
25. Face/Off
26. The Boy in Blue
27. Honeymoon in Vegas
28. Amos and Andrew
29. Moonstruck
30. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
31. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
32. Bringing Out the Dead
33. The Family Man
34. Knowing
35. It Could Happen to You
36. 8mm
37. Looking Glass
38. Between Worlds
39. Left Behind
40. Ghost Rider
41. The Humanity Bureau
42. Next
43. The Weather Man
44. 211
45. The Croods

Catfishing on Catnet by Naomi Kritzer

This was a fun sci fi thriller about a girl named Steph who befriends a friendly AI on a website called CatNet. Steph isn't allowed to use other social medias, but CatNet is okay because people use it to post pictures of cats, and not themselves. It's a fun ride for probably anyone who likes hard sci fi. It's scary and forward thinking without relying on overly adult themes.

I think Catfishing on CatNet provides a good example for how LBGTQ+ characters can be used in a story without being gratuitous or making the story about sex and gender. I've often questioned the media's insistence that Sex play such a domineering role in our Attractions and Identities. However, my two cents on gender-identity don't matter much. I'm here to talk about books. This was a pretty good one.

Wild at Heart (feat. Nicolas Cage)

Films. They dramatize the human experience in an entertaining fashion, usually. Wild at Heart takes this to the extreme in an array of wildly amusing methods. My favorite part is when they're in the car and Powermad comes on the radio. Let's face it, you're not wild if you're not smoking cigarettes and driving a convertible. I did think this film was awesome.

However there's a certain amount of trust that I think should exist between a story teller and their audience. Halfway through the film, I gave up on my hopes and expectations because literally anything could have happened at any moment. While there were some amazing scenes, a lot of them served no purpose. At times I felt like I was being trolled in the David Lynch Cinematic Variety Show.

Aside from that, I think Wild at Heart was a great film. I don't like to argue about the rules of what is good, but here I am... torn apart. With no authority, I think my qualms are valid about this otherwise incredible film.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. Birdy
5. Wild at Heart
6. Color Out of Space
7. City of Angels
8. Gone in 60 Seconds
9. Matchstick Men
10. Vampire's Kiss
11. Face/Off
12. Honeymoon in Vegas
13. The Family Man
14. 8mm
15. The Weather Man
16. The Croods

Knee Deep in the Dead by Dafydd ab Hugh

In 6th grade, I went to Walden Books in the mall with my friend Paul. He bought this novelization of Doom and I bought a novelization of Myst. For those of you who don’t know, Myst might be the most boring game ever released on the Sony Playstation (but on PC there are definitely more boring games). I should have bought Knee Deep in the Dead though it likely has more value to my adult self than whatever jerk I was in 1998.

I’ve never read a military-type story so this is a new thing for me. Like the computer game, Knee Deep in the Dead is mostly about shooting monsters. These monsters are being produced on Deimos and Phobos, the famous moons of Mars, and must be stopped from going to earth and destroying humanity. It’s a fun read especially if you’re addicted to action games and want to build up your literacy.

Pajama Sam in No Need to Hide When It's Dark Outside

I started playing this game hoping to get relaxed enough to do a number of creative things that all require a little extra patience.  It took me about an hour to get through to the end, but that's okay.  I didn't want to spend all day on it.  Still, an hour seemed pretty short so I read the walk through and found out the adventure puzzles are actually different every time you start a new game.  Pretty cool, huh?  

I know it's not always cool to play a kids' game when I could be jamming some Call of Duty and shelling out some serious cash for an Xbox.  Sometimes it's nice to play an easy adventure game and see if the realm of things you enjoyed in the 90s can still hold up to today's standards.  Truly, Humongous Entertainment never left us hanging in their long stream of timeless hits.  They spared no effort in making Sam's closet into a truly magical place.  The world within is full of interesting characters and almost everything can be interacted with.  I'd like to see the singing carrot front a punk band.  He's a vegan anarcho-socialist with the voice for punk.  I was inspired.  

I have crossed the meridian

Life and cheese will never be the same again.  There really is a level of cheesiness that is very danger.  I made a dip with sour cream and this powder, cheesier than cheese.  So where will the thrill remain? 

Refugee by Piers Anthony

  

Most books don't grip me too hard when I dig in but you know how it is.  I wanted/needed to read a space adventure, especially one by the hugely prolific Piers Anthony.  He wrote a lot of hits, often taking place in space and fantasy worlds.  This one looked good.  Check out that spine.  

It's been loved.  There were some very romantic, sexual fantasy-type moments in Refugee.  Those were the best parts.  The parts is famous for.  There were characters more interesting than Hope Hubris, our protagonist.  I don't expect to hear too much about those other characters in Volume 2.  Oh well.  I'll still read it and report back.  In the meantime, check out these alternate covers.  I don't know about you but I love sci fi and fantasy art.  I wish more art galleries were full of stuff like this instead of the classic movements, culturally relevant to everyone who isn't a total nerd.  

While I found Refugee to be pretty boring, it still got reprinted a bunch.  I'm going to find Piers' secret.  Surely, he wrote a book at some point early in his career that was so good he could spend the rest of his life writing somewhat boring stuff and making money.  Perhaps most of his readers are teenage boys with his largest demographic being teenage boys in the 80s.  That's okay with me.  I want to see what they saw and read what they read.  You might think I have better things to do and better things to read but I doubt it.  This is the world I want to explore.