Angels Fall by Nora Roberts

I found this book at a Goodwill store, very well-loved. For those of you don't know, Noraa Roberts is a big shot in the world of popular fiction. It says so all over the spine, cover, and afterward. From the back cover Nora sneers at us condescendingly in her pearls and power suit. How often should a novelist need to wear a suit, anyway? Does she know that she has more books at Goodwill than every author ever?

In Angel's Fall our protagonist is from Boston, and her love interest is from Chicago. Visualizing the scenes, I failed to give these characters accents. I don't know about you, but books are often more fun for me when I can get a vivid picture of the characters.

That being said, Angel's Fall was an entertaining page turner, and I think it could make a good movie, if you like mystery and romance. It takes place in the mountains of Wyoming, where a runaway chef finds herself working at a little diner, and witnesses a murder. This won't be my last Nora Roberts novel, since her book Year One is on my Goodreads 'want-to-read' list, and it's not like I don't want to read it. Also, I'm very intrigued by the works advertised on the back pages of Angel's Fall. How is she the most successful author of her generation? What can I do to catch 1% of that success?

Drive Angry (feat. Nicolas Cage)

At the end of the 2000s, most tv shows were rearing toward the cinematic style made popular by shows like The Sopranos and Lost. Meanwhile, the theaters filled with low-risk, big-budget affairs. I think this shift marked a perfect time for great actors like Nicolas Cage to work on some low-commitment grindhouse films, doing everything that can't be done on tv.

You might say, "Well, Drive Angry is kind of edgy," but I disagree. I think, even with all the guns, crashes, and tits, the film is never trying to bait me. It's just being itself, being genuine, and giving us a great time for two hours. The story for Drive Angry is pretty stale, but at least it's a formula that works and doesn't set us up for disappointment.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. Birdy
5. Wild at Heart
6. Color Out of Space
7. Peggy Sue Got Married
8. City of Angels
9. Drive Angry
10. Lord of War
11. Gone in 60 Seconds
12. Matchstick Men
13. Vampire's Kiss
14. Con Air
15. Face/Off
16. Honeymoon in Vegas
17. Bringing Out the Dead
18. The Family Man
19. It Could Happen to You
20. 8mm
21. Ghost Rider
22. Next
23. The Weather Man
24. The Croods

Catfishing on Catnet by Naomi Kritzer

This was a fun sci fi thriller about a girl named Steph who befriends a friendly AI on a website called CatNet. Steph isn't allowed to use other social medias, but CatNet is okay because people use it to post pictures of cats, and not themselves. It's a fun ride for probably anyone who likes hard sci fi. It's scary and forward thinking without relying on overly adult themes.

I think Catfishing on CatNet provides a good example for how LBGTQ+ characters can be used in a story without being gratuitous or making the story about sex and gender. I've often questioned the media's insistence that Sex play such a domineering role in our Attractions and Identities. However, my two cents on gender-identity don't matter much. I'm here to talk about books. This was a pretty good one.

Simple Simon's Pizza of Hudson, TX

I don't always say it, but I think if you're going to compete with the big chains, then you should give them some competition. The ratios for Simple Simon's Pizza is 3cr2ce2ch. They also have a thin crust and a stuffed crust.

I wanted to dine in and partake in some endless diet coke, but it seemed like their dine in days were in the past. All the tables were covered in stacks of boxes. If they weren't doing dine in, then I figured they weren't doing endless sodas, one of life's great treats.


Simple Simon's crust gets a 4 out of 5. It's not super flavorful, but it was good, Chewy but never dry. The inside of the pie was delightfully moist.

Their sauce also gets a 4 out of 5. It was adequately thick. A little more oregano might have been nice, but you can't expect every sauce to check all the boxes. A wise man once told me that variety's the spice of life.

For overall quality, Simple Simon's gets a 5 out of 5. It was good, greasy pizza, reminding me of Little Caesar's, but made with care. For style, they get a 2 out of 5. There's nothing remarkable about Simple Simon's. In fact, it was kind of bland. But that's fine. It was a good pizza for a good price. Simple Simon's Pizza gets a 75%, and I would definitely get it again.

Beastly by Alex Flinn

My theme for february was Romance, so I picked this modern retelling of one of my favorite romantic fairy tales. Beastly tells the story of a witch and two high school kids in New York City. It would have been an interesting read if I was a teenage girl, so I should have known better.

Once I read a different retelling of Beauty and the Beast. I'd found it at the Sertoma Thrift Store in Saint Augustine, 2008. In this other retelling, our protagonist had sex with the beast, who was very dog like and smoked cigarettes. Someday, I'll find it and read it again. Beastly was probably a waste of time, but that's how it goes sometimes when you're trying to read a hundred books in a year.

Bringing Out the Dead (feat. Nicolas Cage)

With Bringing Out the Dead, Martin Scorsese made one of his darkest films while excessively embracing the 90s; losing himself in the 90s. Cage plays Frank, a Paramedic in New York City with problems of his own. His love interest, Mary, is played by his then wife Patricia Arquette, which is cool to see, even if the movie totally sucks.

Cage does show all of his moods, and freaks out in all of his normal ways. I don't understand why so many screenplays have Cage narrating the film in which he stars. Imagine if Taxi Driver was narrated by the character DeNiro's Travis. It would be a real vibe killer. In this film, I can fully figure out what's going on by just watching and listening. I don't need our depressed anti-hero to explain his mood while the ambulance windshield casts shadows of dripping rain on John Goodman's bewildered face.

There were a few good ideas implemented in Bringing Out the Dead, however most of its ideas were both bad and poorly executed.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. Birdy
5. Wild at Heart
6. Color Out of Space
7. Peggy Sue Got Married
8. City of Angels
9. Lord of War
10. Gone in 60 Seconds
11. Matchstick Men
12. Vampire's Kiss
13. Con Air
14. Face/Off
15. Honeymoon in Vegas
16. Bringing Out the Dead
17. The Family Man
18. It Could Happen to You
19. 8mm
20. Ghost Rider
21. Next
22. The Weather Man
23. The Croods

Paint's Underground Pizza of Victoria Texas

Nearby is a fire department, which google users gave a one star rating. In the beautiful little town of Victoria Texas, sits Paint's Underground Pizza. It is a pleasure to take a taste of this pizza shop's humble beginnings, witnessing the spark that may turn into an eternal flame. Paint's also advertised the lowest prices in town, which is something I can relate to.

Their $9 medium cheese pizza was actually $11 and 11 inches. Their sodas only come in 16 ounce plastic bottles, just like their water. I should have brought in my canteen, but I really wanted a soda. They had some familiar, relatable pizza-themed posters in their otherwise non-cozy dining area.

Their salads are not fresh. They are pre-made, and displayed in a cold bake case, in small tupper wares, smaller than the ones Subway uses for their salads.

The tv showed Friends, the episode where Ross tries to make sure Chandler and Monica move in together, so Rachel will have to move in with him. I wondered whether or not Rachel ever wore a bra. Probably not. I love Jennifer Aniston and I would hate it if some people only loved her for having the world's most familiar tits.

Let's talk about ratios. Paint's Underground Pizza gets a 2cr2ce2ch. It's thin, and cut into squares. They had a poster somewhere, saying something snarky about square cut pizza. If their pizza were cut into regular slices, it would not hold together. As you see, their pie was both burnt and under cooked.

I'll rate their crust a 2 out of 5. It was more like a homemade pizza than something made in a pizza shop, with a big electric mixer. Under-kneaded, it had some goo to it, but even picking up a tiny square, I felt like I was going to lose my cheese. Even if their crust had some flavor, it still wouldn't wang my wong.

Their sauce gets a 3 out of 5, tasting like something that came from a jar, pre-seasoned. I could eat it out of a jar. For stated reasons, they get a two out of five for overall quality. For style, they also get a two out of five. I think Paint's could work on their method and recipe, but they probably won't for fear of discouraging the few customers they probably already have. I don't mind concrete floors and paper plates, but Paint's doesn't feel like a pizza shop. It doesn't work. Next time, I'm going to find a time-tested, family joint. Paint's Underground Pizza, you get a score of 45%.

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

Christian Grey is a corporate CEO, more or less omnipotent in our civilized american scope. Anastasia Steele is a virgin who drinks English breakfast tea. In this story Christian murmurs his desires to Anastasia, who fulfills them, and later, sends Christian passive aggressive emails. Neither character is likeable or interesting, but they don't need to be. They are filling very specific roles in James's fantasy. It's not my fantasy. Not my thing. Not interesting.

James writes her story in present tense as an excuse to use passive voice 100% of the time. Perhaps this was a device to highlight the expected submissiveness of our narrator Ana. I don't know if it bears thinking about. I hope the movie's better than the book, but I doubt it will be unless its x-rated.