A Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs

It's been a while since I've posted a book report, and it's not because I haven't been reading. This last spring I kind of let computer game design take over my life. But over the summer, I expect to spend less time at my computer.

So I read A Princess of Mars back in March. It's one of the first popular space adventure stories, told by Edgar Rice Burroughs, the writer of Tarzan stories. Despite the pulp-magazine nature of this work, Burroughs' language is very formal in contrast to many of his hard-boiled peers.

This novel tells the story of John Carter, a Confederate hero of the civil war who ended up with nothing. On a desert quest for gold, he found himself trapped in a cave by american indians who were mysteriously decimated before John's spirit escaped to the planet Mars.

You may have guessed, the princess of Mars is his love interest. Her species are humanoid, but red, and lay eggs. And I like this kind of romantic story between two 'people' of very different culture and physiology. Originally published in 1912, this piece certainly fails the Bechdel Test. The other species of aliens on mars are war-hungry bugs who love to kill each other and everything else.

So John takes it upon himself to impress the princess and become the greatest hero the planet has ever known. There are some touching scenes in this book, but I would only reccomend it to those with a yearning for this kind of niche. After all, the trappings of a space adventure have expanded a great deal in the last 110 years. But it's nice to see where (much of) it all started.

Quality Lives Here

Since my blood is mostly dutch, and my last name is Verkruyse, I'm inclined to try anything that claims itself as Dutch. What do potato chips, spiciness, cheddar, and sour cream have to do with that? I have no idea, but it's been a while since I've reviewed a new chip flavor.

Until this morning in Wall, South Dakota, I'd never seen a cheddar sour cream chip that came in a standard wave instead of a ruffle or plain cut. While I love cheddar and sour cream ruffles, especially on a hot dog, I'd say these take a small step forward. They aren't remarkably spicy, but enhance the satisfaction of an old formula.

If you're willing to spend $2.19 (inflation, right?), I would certainly recommend this chip. However, I wouldn't expect a paradigm shifting experience. Old Dutch Spicy Cheddar and Sour Cream Flavored Potato Chips are exactly what you'd expect. I'll be sure to let you know if I'm blown away by their tortilla chips.

Rosati's Pizza of Findlay Illinois

There's a gas station on the road to lake Shelbyille that sells live bait and every kind of liquor, and houses a pizza joint. Rosati's offers a full dine-in experience as well as snacks by the gas station's cash register. While I dont go out of my way to try gas station pizzas, and I didn't try anthing from the actual restaurant, I felt this slice was worth noting. Rosati's offers authentic Chicago pizza, and I'm not sure if they have deep dish on their menu. But I know deep dish isn't the only thing going on in Cook County.

Rosati's cheese slice has a ratio of 3cr3ce3ch. Their crust gets a 3 out of 5. It's a little bit over kneaded, under proofed, and under cooked. But it wasn't cumbersome. In fact, it was quite enjoyable, with a better flavor than Papa John's even though the texture wasn't all there.

Their sauce gets a 5 out of 5. It's rich and somewhat chunky, tasting much like what you'd get from Gino's East or Giordano's. I could easily eat it like soup. For Style, I guess I could give Rosati's gas station pizza a 5 out of 5. At $3 a slice, I was very pleased at what was one of the best gas sation slices I've ever had. It's not Chicago Deep Dish, but the taste is there and its gas station seems like a great place to stop before or after any kind of party.

For overall quality, I'll still give Rosati's a 3 out of 5. It's still a gas station pizza and if they don't put the time into properly proofing and cooking their pre-prepared slices, I don't expect they'd do much better when you get a frresh pie to order. With a final score of 80%, I'd hope to stop again next time I'm going through BF Illinois on the direct route to Springfield from Bloomington Indiana.

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (feat. Nicolas Cage)

You've probably heard of this movie, the one in which Nicolas Cage plays himself. What a gimmick! But the meta quality of this film provides a depth of context that wouldn't otherwise be possible. Cage could play a great and famous actor, but there's only one Nicolas Cage, and the fact that characters in the film an reference his work tells much about who they are.

So in the film, Cage is having trouble maintaining his self image, relations with his family, and his finances. In fact, he's so into acting it's hard for him to keep in touch with everything else. When he doesn't get a role he was going for, he decides to perhaps retire, and to settle his debts, takes a gig for a million dollars just to attend a wealthy fan's birthday party.

But he doesn't expect this wealthy fan to become his new best friend, or for the FBI to rangle into a dangerous task of finding a woman this new friend (Javi) is said to have kidnapped in order to ransom favor for his criminal enterprise. Furthermore, I won't spoil the rest.

In this gripping film, you never entierely know what's going on, but the relationships are touching and the action sequences are hilarious. Javi can't help himself but pretend he's in a movie with Nick at every chance he gets, and the directing follows every cue without flaw. This film ranks up there with The In Laws as a perfect buddy action comedy, and it is all the hype. Don't snooze on it.

1. Raising Arizona

2. The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

3. Leaving Las Vegas
4. Red Rock West
5. Adaptation
6. Pig
7. Birdy
8. Wild at Heart
9. Joe
10. National Treasure
11. Guarding Tess
12. Snake Eyes
13. Mandy
14. Dog Eat Dog
15. Color Out of Space
16. Mom and Dad
17. World Trade Center
18. Peggy Sue Got Married
19. Zandalee
20. Prisoners of the Ghostland
21. City of Angels
22. Willy's Wonderland
23. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
24. Bangkok Dangerous
25. Drive Angry
26. Army of One
27. Lord of War
28. Gone in 60 Seconds
29. Matchstick Men
30. Vampire's Kiss
31. Con Air
32. Face/Off
33. Trapped in Paradise
34. The Boy in Blue
35. Honeymoon in Vegas
36. Deadfall
37. Amos and Andrew
38. Moonstruck
39. Tokarev
40. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
41. Knowing
42. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
43. Bringing Out the Dead
44. The Family Man
45. Stolen
46. It Could Happen to You
47. The Wicker Man
48. 8mm
49. The Frozen Ground
50. Left Behind
51. A Score to Settle
52. Pay the Ghost
53. Primal
54. Dying of the Light
55. Grand Isle
56. Looking Glass
57. Arsenal
58. Between Worlds
59. Ghost Rider
60. Trespass
61. The Humanity Bureau
62. Next
63. The Weather Man
64. 211
65. Fire Birds
66. The Croods

The Wicker Man (feat. Nicolas Cage)

In the early years of Saturn Films, it must have made a lot of sense to remake this 70s cult classic. The Wicker Man was ahead of its time and didn't make much money. But a remake could make a lot of money, especially if the film's most expensive asset (Nicolas Cage) was working for free.

Cage plays police officer Edward Malus who goes on a mission to find a missing child, the daughter of his ex-fiance. She lives on an island with a neo-pagan cult who make honey. Interesting twist, he's severely allergic to bees. Everything's weird and creepy on this island, and it only gets worse as he uncovers the mystery of the missing child.

I can't give much more away without spoiling the film. The mystery element lends a fine excuse for a few of the meaningless plot points. It keeps you wondering. At times it felt like I was watching a high school production of grease instead of the real thing. I get that the movie is meant to be weird, trying to be weird. I found the result boring and contrived.

You may have seen the bad reviews, or the meme of Cage freaking out over the bees. And despite its occasional failures to immerse, I don't think 2006's The Wicker Man was so awful. It wasn't so good either.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes
12. Mandy
13. Dog Eat Dog
14. Color Out of Space
15. Mom and Dad
16. World Trade Center
17. Peggy Sue Got Married
18. Zandalee
19. Prisoners of the Ghostland
20. City of Angels
21. Willy's Wonderland
22. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
23. Bangkok Dangerous
24. Drive Angry
25. Army of One
26. Lord of War
27. Gone in 60 Seconds
28. Matchstick Men
29. Vampire's Kiss
30. Con Air
31. Face/Off
32. Trapped in Paradise
33. The Boy in Blue
34. Honeymoon in Vegas
35. Deadfall
36. Amos and Andrew
37. Moonstruck
38. Tokarev
39. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
40. Knowing
41. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
42. Bringing Out the Dead
43. The Family Man
44. Stolen
45. It Could Happen to You

46. The Wicker Man

47. 8mm
48. The Frozen Ground
49. Left Behind
50. A Score to Settle
51. Pay the Ghost
52. Primal
53. Dying of the Light
54. Grand Isle
55. Looking Glass
56. Arsenal
57. Between Worlds
58. Ghost Rider
59. Trespass
60. The Humanity Bureau
61. Next
62. The Weather Man
63. 211
64. Fire Birds
65. The Croods

Mandy (feat. Nicolas Cage)

Do you like heavy metal, sci-fi, and 80s horror? If so, this is the film for you. And it feels more genuine than pandering to its demographic. It feels good. Almost every shot fades to black, and fades in from black. The psychedelic touches don't go too far, turning the film into an incomprehensible mess. Mysteries built in the first half of the movie are resolved in the second half, but getting there is dreadfully slow with an emphasis on Dread.

And then you figure out Mandy is yet another Cage revenge/Cage saves girl movie. Despite Cage's wonderful performance within the powerful flex of director Panos Cosmatos, this is just a fancied-up version of every other Cage film of the era. I really thought there was going to be a stronger sci-fi element, but there wasn't. Despite a wonderfully immersive presentation, Mandy hardly qualifies as a horror film. So with its merits, I will rank it higher than the other Cage's other revenge films. But gosh, I was really hoping for something more original.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes

12. Mandy

13. Dog Eat Dog
14. Color Out of Space
15. Mom and Dad
16. World Trade Center
17. Peggy Sue Got Married
18. Zandalee
19. Prisoners of the Ghostland
20. City of Angels
21. Willy's Wonderland
22. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
23. Bangkok Dangerous
24. Drive Angry
25. Army of One
26. Lord of War
27. Gone in 60 Seconds
28. Matchstick Men
29. Vampire's Kiss
30. Con Air
31. Face/Off
32. Trapped in Paradise
33. The Boy in Blue
34. Honeymoon in Vegas
35. Kill Chain
36. Deadfall
37. Amos and Andrew
38. Moonstruck
39. Tokarev
40. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
41. Knowing
42. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
43. Bringing Out the Dead
44. The Family Man
45. Stolen
46. It Could Happen to You
47. 8mm
48. The Frozen Ground
49. Left Behind
50. A Score to Settle
51. Pay the Ghost
52. Primal
53. Dying of the Light
54. Grand Isle
55. Looking Glass
56. Arsenal
57. Between Worlds
58. Ghost Rider
59. Trespass
60. The Humanity Bureau
61. Next
62. The Weather Man
63. 211
64. Fire Birds
65. The Croods

Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski

I may have read the rest of Bukowski's novels, this being his last which tells his life story as lived by Henry Chinaski. He's an old fashioned drunk ass hole. Everything is ugly from the view of this ugly man. And there's a definite poeticism to it. There's a reason Bukowski's so famous.

He doesn't waste his reader's time, regardless of what contempt he might feel for anyone who might pick up his books. Bukowski's writing was likely the only good thing he did. And there's something special about that. Every page is indulgent and juicy. And the scenes of the first and last time his dad beat him come out like songs. Dark songs before their time.

We could talk for ever about separating art from their artists, and I think every case is different. Often art is the good that comes from the most depressing of realities and delusions. To create is to channel the good and move forward, connecting the quiet within to the nastiness on outside.

The high points in Bukowski's story are mostly about getting in fights and peeping on his neighbors, masturbating in the bushes. And one who can make others feel happy for them in such moments must have a gift. That's my piece on Bukowski. You've heard of him and you already have an opinion.

Dying of the Light (feat. Nicolas Cage)

This 2014 film tells the story of an old CIA agent who can't give up the search for the terrorist Muhammid Banir, who broke off part of his ear. But it's not quite what you'd expect. The film starts off with an edgy speech by Evan Lake (Cage), on why you should choose to be in the CIA. The reason is American Values, whatever that means.

Lake was told 20 years ago to get off the case of Banir, who was dead as far as anyone knew. But of course, Lake couldn't give up and couldn't stop thinking about it. And eventually he comes down with a case of frontotemporal dementia, causing sensory distortions that will continue to get worse until they kill Agent Lake, a condition he tries to hide from the CIA.

With this condition you might expect to see some severe performances from Cage like in Matchstick Men and Bad Leutenant, but that's not the case here. Lake's young protege finds evidence that Banir is alive, but dying of some form of anemia. So said protege, for no logical reason, risks his career to help a dying agent go after his dying nemesis. Aside from being a criminal, the only thing Lake has against him is the missing piece of his stupid ear.

In Romania, they meet the only female character in the film, who also happens to be a past love interest of Cage's character. Like 80% of these Cage films. The stakes are pretty low here, and viewers are never given a reason to care about any character. I might dare to say the characters in this film are stupid. Lake is in the CIA, so he doesn't have a family or anything. He's just an anonymous agent who's going to die soon anyway. After a weak action scene and a vh1-esque hallucination scene, it all ends with someone getting poked in the eye really hard.

So this movie isn't very good. There are some mildly oppulant bad parts, but nothing really worth seeing.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Red Rock West
4. Adaptation
5. Pig
6. Birdy
7. Wild at Heart
8. Joe
9. National Treasure
10. Guarding Tess
11. Snake Eyes
12. Dog Eat Dog
13. Color Out of Space
14. Mom and Dad
15. World Trade Center
16. Peggy Sue Got Married
17. Zandalee
18. Prisoners of the Ghostland
19. City of Angels
20. Willy's Wonderland
21. Captain Corelli's Mandolin
22. Bangkok Dangerous
23. Drive Angry
24. Army of One
25. Lord of War
26. Gone in 60 Seconds
27. Matchstick Men
28. Vampire's Kiss
29. Con Air
30. Face/Off
31. Trapped in Paradise
32. The Boy in Blue
33. Honeymoon in Vegas
34. Kill Chain
35. Deadfall
36. Amos and Andrew
37. Moonstruck
38. Tokarev
39. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
40. Knowing
41. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
42. Bringing Out the Dead
43. The Family Man
44. Stolen
45. It Could Happen to You
46. 8mm
47. The Frozen Ground
48. Left Behind
49. A Score to Settle
50. Pay the Ghost
51. Primal

52. Dying of the Light

53. Grand Isle
54. Looking Glass
55. Arsenal
56. Between Worlds
57. Ghost Rider
58. Trespass
59. The Humanity Bureau
60. Next
61. The Weather Man
62. 211
63. Fire Birds
64. The Croods