Drive Angry (feat. Nicolas Cage)

At the end of the 2000s, most tv shows were rearing toward the cinematic style made popular by shows like The Sopranos and Lost. Meanwhile, the theaters filled with low-risk, big-budget affairs. I think this shift marked a perfect time for great actors like Nicolas Cage to work on some low-commitment grindhouse films, doing everything that can't be done on tv.

You might say, "Well, Drive Angry is kind of edgy," but I disagree. I think, even with all the guns, crashes, and tits, the film is never trying to bait me. It's just being itself, being genuine, and giving us a great time for two hours. The story for Drive Angry is pretty stale, but at least it's a formula that works and doesn't set us up for disappointment.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. Birdy
5. Wild at Heart
6. Color Out of Space
7. Peggy Sue Got Married
8. City of Angels
9. Drive Angry
10. Lord of War
11. Gone in 60 Seconds
12. Matchstick Men
13. Vampire's Kiss
14. Con Air
15. Face/Off
16. Honeymoon in Vegas
17. Bringing Out the Dead
18. The Family Man
19. It Could Happen to You
20. 8mm
21. Ghost Rider
22. Next
23. The Weather Man
24. The Croods

Catfishing on Catnet by Naomi Kritzer

This was a fun sci fi thriller about a girl named Steph who befriends a friendly AI on a website called CatNet. Steph isn't allowed to use other social medias, but CatNet is okay because people use it to post pictures of cats, and not themselves. It's a fun ride for probably anyone who likes hard sci fi. It's scary and forward thinking without relying on overly adult themes.

I think Catfishing on CatNet provides a good example for how LBGTQ+ characters can be used in a story without being gratuitous or making the story about sex and gender. I've often questioned the media's insistence that Sex play such a domineering role in our Attractions and Identities. However, my two cents on gender-identity don't matter much. I'm here to talk about books. This was a pretty good one.

Simple Simon's Pizza of Hudson, TX

I don't always say it, but I think if you're going to compete with the big chains, then you should give them some competition. The ratios for Simple Simon's Pizza is 3cr2ce2ch. They also have a thin crust and a stuffed crust.

I wanted to dine in and partake in some endless diet coke, but it seemed like their dine in days were in the past. All the tables were covered in stacks of boxes. If they weren't doing dine in, then I figured they weren't doing endless sodas, one of life's great treats.


Simple Simon's crust gets a 4 out of 5. It's not super flavorful, but it was good, Chewy but never dry. The inside of the pie was delightfully moist.

Their sauce also gets a 4 out of 5. It was adequately thick. A little more oregano might have been nice, but you can't expect every sauce to check all the boxes. A wise man once told me that variety's the spice of life.

For overall quality, Simple Simon's gets a 5 out of 5. It was good, greasy pizza, reminding me of Little Caesar's, but made with care. For style, they get a 2 out of 5. There's nothing remarkable about Simple Simon's. In fact, it was kind of bland. But that's fine. It was a good pizza for a good price. Simple Simon's Pizza gets a 75%, and I would definitely get it again.

Beastly by Alex Flinn

My theme for february was Romance, so I picked this modern retelling of one of my favorite romantic fairy tales. Beastly tells the story of a witch and two high school kids in New York City. It would have been an interesting read if I was a teenage girl, so I should have known better.

Once I read a different retelling of Beauty and the Beast. I'd found it at the Sertoma Thrift Store in Saint Augustine, 2008. In this other retelling, our protagonist had sex with the beast, who was very dog like and smoked cigarettes. Someday, I'll find it and read it again. Beastly was probably a waste of time, but that's how it goes sometimes when you're trying to read a hundred books in a year.

Bringing Out the Dead (feat. Nicolas Cage)

With Bringing Out the Dead, Martin Scorsese made one of his darkest films while excessively embracing the 90s; losing himself in the 90s. Cage plays Frank, a Paramedic in New York City with problems of his own. His love interest, Mary, is played by his then wife Patricia Arquette, which is cool to see, even if the movie totally sucks.

Cage does show all of his moods, and freaks out in all of his normal ways. I don't understand why so many screenplays have Cage narrating the film in which he stars. Imagine if Taxi Driver was narrated by the character DeNiro's Travis. It would be a real vibe killer. In this film, I can fully figure out what's going on by just watching and listening. I don't need our depressed anti-hero to explain his mood while the ambulance windshield casts shadows of dripping rain on John Goodman's bewildered face.

There were a few good ideas implemented in Bringing Out the Dead, however most of its ideas were both bad and poorly executed.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. Birdy
5. Wild at Heart
6. Color Out of Space
7. Peggy Sue Got Married
8. City of Angels
9. Lord of War
10. Gone in 60 Seconds
11. Matchstick Men
12. Vampire's Kiss
13. Con Air
14. Face/Off
15. Honeymoon in Vegas
16. Bringing Out the Dead
17. The Family Man
18. It Could Happen to You
19. 8mm
20. Ghost Rider
21. Next
22. The Weather Man
23. The Croods

Paint's Underground Pizza of Victoria Texas

Nearby is a fire department, which google users gave a one star rating. In the beautiful little town of Victoria Texas, sits Paint's Underground Pizza. It is a pleasure to take a taste of this pizza shop's humble beginnings, witnessing the spark that may turn into an eternal flame. Paint's also advertised the lowest prices in town, which is something I can relate to.

Their $9 medium cheese pizza was actually $11 and 11 inches. Their sodas only come in 16 ounce plastic bottles, just like their water. I should have brought in my canteen, but I really wanted a soda. They had some familiar, relatable pizza-themed posters in their otherwise non-cozy dining area.

Their salads are not fresh. They are pre-made, and displayed in a cold bake case, in small tupper wares, smaller than the ones Subway uses for their salads.

The tv showed Friends, the episode where Ross tries to make sure Chandler and Monica move in together, so Rachel will have to move in with him. I wondered whether or not Rachel ever wore a bra. Probably not. I love Jennifer Aniston and I would hate it if some people only loved her for having the world's most familiar tits.

Let's talk about ratios. Paint's Underground Pizza gets a 2cr2ce2ch. It's thin, and cut into squares. They had a poster somewhere, saying something snarky about square cut pizza. If their pizza were cut into regular slices, it would not hold together. As you see, their pie was both burnt and under cooked.

I'll rate their crust a 2 out of 5. It was more like a homemade pizza than something made in a pizza shop, with a big electric mixer. Under-kneaded, it had some goo to it, but even picking up a tiny square, I felt like I was going to lose my cheese. Even if their crust had some flavor, it still wouldn't wang my wong.

Their sauce gets a 3 out of 5, tasting like something that came from a jar, pre-seasoned. I could eat it out of a jar. For stated reasons, they get a two out of five for overall quality. For style, they also get a two out of five. I think Paint's could work on their method and recipe, but they probably won't for fear of discouraging the few customers they probably already have. I don't mind concrete floors and paper plates, but Paint's doesn't feel like a pizza shop. It doesn't work. Next time, I'm going to find a time-tested, family joint. Paint's Underground Pizza, you get a score of 45%.

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

Christian Grey is a corporate CEO, more or less omnipotent in our civilized american scope. Anastasia Steele is a virgin who drinks English breakfast tea. In this story Christian murmurs his desires to Anastasia, who fulfills them, and later, sends Christian passive aggressive emails. Neither character is likeable or interesting, but they don't need to be. They are filling very specific roles in James's fantasy. It's not my fantasy. Not my thing. Not interesting.

James writes her story in present tense as an excuse to use passive voice 100% of the time. Perhaps this was a device to highlight the expected submissiveness of our narrator Ana. I don't know if it bears thinking about. I hope the movie's better than the book, but I doubt it will be unless its x-rated.

Night Winds by Karl Edgar Wagner

Night Winds is a collection of hard-boiled, dark fantasy stories about Kane, a barely mortal evil sorceress in the form of a huge, red-haired man. People cower at the mention of his name. Really, it's a blast to see the seedy underbelly of a well-imagined high fantasy world. I had hopes that this was the first book of Kane stories, but it might be the fifth. None of the stories take place in a consecutive order, so you can read it however you want.

I think the fact that our hero is evil lends itself to more of a literary nature than most high fantasy. And I think with short stories, the substance of a piece is usually more apparent than in an epic-length good verse evil story with surprise zombies, etc. Night Winds is pulp fantasy the way you would want it to be. Wagner knows the effect and value of good prose without spoiling it with overuse.

Since with every story, the characters and immediate setting are different, I had a hard time getting attached. Less than a month later, I can't remember anyone's name but Kane. At the end of each story, he will live, and everyone else might as well die.

Lord of War (feat. Nicolas Cage)

From Saturn Films, the company who brought us Next, we have Lord of War. It's an autobiographical-style film, like The Weather Man or Blow (with Johnny Depp), only it's about a big league gun runner. I kept expecting Cage's character to immediately turn into an action hero, but he doesn't. Instead Yuri Orlov (played by Cage) goes on a hero's journey, going darker and darker, providing more weapons for more deaths. Even still, he can't cease to be a human, with human feelings. What conflict!

There are some very cheesey times, like a modern version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, playing in full during the film's most emotional moment. There's also the part when Yuri and his brother Vitaly (played by Jared Leto) get into cocaine, and Eric Clapton's Cocaine plays in the background. Leto's Vitaly cooks at the family restaurant, always rocking his cool emo hair, and never ages as the early 80s roll into some time in the 90s.

I almost expected this film to be based off a true story, because most of the characters do behave like real people, and make the types of decisions real people make. The credits tell us it's based on true events, but to what specifics? Maybe they just said that to scare me, and make me tell others how they must see it. Ethan Hawke also has a small, surprise, role. His presence alone might grant this film a few extra ranks, but no... I had to be fair! Still, I take liberties regarding personal taste. A silly romantic comedy will always win over a serious movie about gun violence and tragedy.

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. Birdy
5. Wild at Heart
6. Color Out of Space
7. Peggy Sue Got Married
8. City of Angels
9. Lord of War
10. Gone in 60 Seconds
11. Matchstick Men
12. Vampire's Kiss
13. Con Air
14. Face/Off
15. Honeymoon in Vegas
16. The Family Man
17. It Could Happen to You
18. 8mm
19. Ghost Rider
20. Next
21. The Weather Man
22. The Croods

The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

January was "classics" month for me. Whatever that means, it included The Wind in the Willows. I think there was an animated film of it, wasn't there? I have to see it sometime. Sometimes watching the movie first can make a book all that much better. But this one. I guess it was a book for children? These animals smoke and drink beer and say ass. As a child, I would have thought this was all really cool, aside from the ridiculous prosiness of the whole thing.

I thoguht it was a good story. Mole and Water Rat become best friends, and Mr. Toad smartens up a bit. It's very much a city mouse/country mouse/growing up type of story. Pretty good stuff.

Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson

I've only ever owned one apple product, a 2nd Generation Ipod Touch. It was fine. Not as cool as my android tablet. Often I think apple products are stupid and expensive; only worth having if you need to have the latest thing. Otherwise a cheap pc or android will do the job-actually more jobs. But all the new phones and computers are more or less just like the old ones, just slightly better. Jobs was the only one who made things radically different. He was about making the best products, not just reproductions for profit. Jobs was a visionary. Even his factories had to be beautiful. He had a zen approach to product development. Using the beginner's mind, he didn't want to make things that needed instruction manuals or presumptions.

I've always admired Steve Jobs for his commitment to vision. Isaacson's biography is pretty solid, showing the good with the bad in his subject. And I sometimes think most of people's good qualities are a result of their bad qualities. Steve treated people badly, but he knew they were only brought into his life and company with the purpose of fulfilling his vision. He chose them for that purpose. If they weren't fulfilling his vision or thriving, Jobs believed they should be someplace else. Most people aren't strong enough to stick to that truth.

But enough about Steve Jobs, let's talk about Bono from U2. He used his star power to get Apple to play the new U2 song in their new ipod commercial. Instead of using his music to avertise the Ipod, he wanted the ads for the Ipod to push his music. When U2's fans accused them of selling out, Bono got Apple to make a special U2 Ipod. Isaacson portrays Bono like he was cool, and not some sleazy rock star, but I don't know. He sounds pretty lame to me. Steve Jobs is also a huge fan of Bob Dylan, which was brought up a lot in this book... as if liking Bob Dylan makes someone interesting. There's a spot where Isaacson and Jobs talk about what's on his Ipod, and whether or not he likes The Beatles more or the Stones. Good Grief.

Con Air (feat. Nicolas Cage(

Here, we finally have Nicolas Cage starring opposite the man he is most often mistaken for, John Cusack. It's getting harder to rank these films, mostly because I may have overrated Gone in Sixty Seconds. Fear not, ConAir doesn't put on such airs of badassery, even as it presents an array of the most badass of prisoners, including cheese balls played by the likes of John Malkovitch and Dave Chapelle. I know what you're probably wondering, and the answer is 'yes'. Dave Chapelle does call people on their racist crud, landing in only a few of the film's deep wells of cringe.

By this time in Cage's career, he's already played several inmates, soldiers, and men with southern accents. In Con Air he is all three and a solid 'good guy', named Cameron Poe. Isn't it tough to be a good guy when incarcerated and on board a plane hijacked by the worst of the criminally insane? And the cops aren't all good, either! Cameron has to get home to his wife and child without hurting or incriminating himself. To top it off, he has to deal with Steve Buscemi as a creepy serial killer.

At least the bad guys aren't all bad. Con Air's pretty all right, despite some instances in which it tries to be funny. I respect the level of tact with which this film used its violent aspects. I'm however puzzled by some of Cameron's decisions. I guess he wouldn't be such a big hero if he let the the other convicts fend for themselves. What good is it to have a wife and daughter if he can't put his life on the line to take down the bad guys?

1. Raising Arizona
2. Leaving Las Vegas
3. Adaptation
4. Birdy
5. Wild at Heart
6. Color Out of Space
7. Peggy Sue Got Married
8. City of Angels
9. Gone in 60 Seconds
10. Matchstick Men
11. Vampire's Kiss
12. Con Air
13. Face/Off
14. Honeymoon in Vegas
15. The Family Man
16. It Could Happen to You
17. 8mm
18. Ghost Rider
19. Next
20. The Weather Man
21. The Croods

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

The swamp village of Macondo Columbia was founded by Jose Arcadio Buendia. This book is the story of his village and his family, all six generations of his family. You might expect, the pace of this story is mostly very quick and zoomed out. However, there are some scenes that invoke a strong feeling. Of the twenty or so main characters, each has a moving story.

I thought One Hundred Years of Solitude, while brilliant, was very demanding. I like when things happen in stories, but I don't like having to remember every single word in order to follow the story.

On Writing by Stephen King

I think this is a good book for the aspiring writer. King talks about carving out the story and discovering all of its facets, instead of outlining. And I see the arguments for outlining versus discovering the story. However, I don't think King can write every kind of story. Mostly he writes the kind of stuff he writes, and it's great stuff.

Subtitled 'A Memoir of the Craft', the first part of this book told King's life story. Though interesting, I was a bit disappointed until he got into the section called 'On Writing', in which he gave tons of practical advice; all kinds of stuff your creative writing professor won't tell you. King would know, he was once a high school english teacher.